A LETTER FROM ME...TO ME

I know you’re hurting right now. It’s been years and I can feel that you’re in deep pain, yet, you’re still too stubborn to turn your back on it. It’s like air has been knocked out from your lungs but you keep struggling to breathe. Your heart is too heavy to bear, yet you choose to be in this state. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you putting up with all these when you already know what the future holds? You know in your heart that he belongs with someone else and you…you deserve to be with a person who will make you feel like you’re worth everything, someone who will protect your heart and never turn away from you even if you’re the lowest version of yourself.

Why settle for someone who doesn’t see you in that light? Why are you holding back when you have so much to give? Why can’t you just let go and open your heart to love again?

I know there’s this guy. You’ve known him for quite some time. He was a good friend to you and cares for you a lot. Why don’t you give him a chance? Maybe you’ll be surprised. Just go with it. For once, take that leap. Try something new, at least.

Your heart’s been through enough. Let it heal for a while…then let it beat again.

THREE QUESTIONS

When do you know when enough is enough? Is it when you feel it in your heart that there’s no chance at all? Or when you see with your own eyes that things remain as they are? Or when the love of your life ultimately closed his heart? Or is it when something inside of you dies?

When?
Because I had my share of all these moments and yet, I accept.

So how do I stop? How do I end this sort of longing because my heart feels like it’s going to explode any minute. Is it by telling myself that there’s no hope to cling to? Or by exposing myself to reality and let it slap my face? Or by ignoring the pain so that I’ll stay numb till I can’t feel anything anymore? Or by ending it altogether?

How?
Because I’m just a girl, who, like everyone else is hurting, and yet I endure.

Then why am I still doing this? Is it because I’m out of my wits and just trying any means to challenge myself? Or because I see no future with the conditions that are contradictory to what I want? Or because my world wouldn’t be breathing without him in it? Or is it because I’m just plain stupid, crazy, senseless, idiotic, insane (and the list goes on) to fall so deep despite the consequences?

Why?
Because I can’t help who I choose to love, and yet I bear it all.

MY HEART'S INFINITE PLAYLIST

Track 01: Crazy For You by Spongecola
I was riding a cab home that night with my mom. The radio was on and I even commented on the cheesy tunes that were playing. Then out of the blue, you texted and I felt some kind of fuzzy flicker down my spine. At that instant, I knew I was falling in love with you. This was the song playing at that exact moment. Cheesy, right? Nah, only my feelings are.

Track 02: Stolen by Dashboard Confessional
When I say you’ve stolen my heart, I mean that you practically took it away and never gave it back. I’m left without one because it’s with you. Now I’ll never be able to feel this way about another person again.

Track 03: Gitara by Parokya ni Edgar
You’re my own personal Jimi Hendrix. I’m really looking forward to that moment where you’ll play for me and I’ll be there in the audience, looking in your eyes and telling the world how proud I am. You’re destined for greatness, I know it in my heart.

Track 04: Give Until There’s Nothing Left by Relient K
Not until my heart stops beating for you, this will the anthem of my soul. Take everything I have, it’s no use when it’s not for you.

Track 05: My Heart by Paramore
My heart beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours. Can I say more?

Track 06: Greatest Story Ever Told by Oliver James
The first time I heard and watched this song on “What A Girl Wants” with Oliver performing it for Amanda, I told myself that someday, my guy’s going to sing this for me too. I’m hoping, you’ll be that guy.

Track 07: I Wanna Hold Your Hand by The Beatles
I’ve read in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist that this song nailed it, that every successful love song in history can be traced back to this particular song. Indeed, every successful love story has those unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding. And that’s I’ve always dreamed of doing with you.

Track 08: Broken Sonnet by Hale
There’s something about this song, there’s a feel to it that got me so attached. It’s overpowering and soul-consuming, kinda like your effect on me.

Track 09: Thunder by Boys and Girls
I’ve always liked the rain. It somehow washes all the negativity in the world – fears, doubts, hatred, sadness. It’s a cleansing agent and brings with it fresh beginnings and the chance to start anew. I can be your rain, if you allow me to. I can be your thunder or lightning too for all I care. Damn, I can be anything you want.

Track 10: Awake by Secondhand Serenade
If you only open your eyes wide, you’ll see that I’m here – always has, always been and I’m not going anywhere. I do hope you wake up someday and realize that I’m the girl for you.

OF MUSIC AND INVISIBILITY

He had always been good with guitars. It’s a natural talent that got me caught up in his bittersweet world. Whenever I see him play, it’s like my whole universe melts away and all I could see is him. He’s like a musical god projecting a soul full of passion and love. Clearly, he has entranced me so deeply that I would always get all flushed up just by looking at him. There’s something in his eyes when he strums – some kind of intensity, some kind of certainty that even if the world crumbles around him, his music will be the only thing that matters. Knowing that simple fact definitely tugged my heartstrings.

I used to ask him to play for me every time I get the chance to see him holding it. I also asked for guitar lessons but that didn’t turn out to be feasible. You see, we were always busy with school or activities so we didn’t get around much on spending wise time learning how to play. For a little consolation, I tried learning the skill on my own. It didn’t look that hard to do. I mean, it wouldn’t have been that difficult considering I’m from a musical family. My aunts, uncles and cousins all knew how to play and I thought, so could I. Turned out to be time consuming, as well as it required effort and patience. I dropped the hobby in a heartbeat. I guess I could find other means to connect with him.

Then there’s his love for music. I discovered we were into the same genre and I couldn’t have been happier. I like the fact that we had something in common, something to talk about, something to bring us closer. Then it went from mundane discussions to musical debates to exchanging MP3s. It even went as far as sitting close and listening on my player while sharing earphones. I was so into the moment that I can’t help feeling giddy and light and just so happy.

I never expected for this to happen but we eventually became great friends. We got real close and even confided in each other. He always looked out for me like he was protective or something. He actually cared, and I thought, this wasn’t half as bad. I was comfortable with this set-up and I could go on like this forever even if this was the only way I could keep him.

I got caught up in this imaginary trance that I made myself believe that he’s falling for me too. It would just be a matter of time and he’ll realize that I’m the one. Everything seemed to work out perfectly…

Then I died. Not me literally, but something in me.

I realized it wasn’t possible. He’s in love with someone else, and even if I tried every maneuver I could get my hands on to make him notice me, it wouldn’t just be enough. He has already seen me, has taken a peek into my soul and knew what a great girl I am, and yet he never saw past that. To his eyes, I will just be…me.

CUSHION MY FALL

Sometimes even in the silence of it all, I find myself crying to sleep at night. Empty dreams accompany me and without knowing it, a hole so deep is created in my chest. Tears have become my faithful friends for without them, my pain would have consumed me. It’s all too depressing to bear, the fact that I’m always drawn to a place where I vowed not to go in the first place. Because even if life offers me something more, something that I deserve better than what I yearn to have, still, I find myself running towards the path of emptiness. I guess I’m better at this than anything else – the habit of tormenting myself with thoughts of things that could never be.

How else am I going to move forward when every single time I try to break free from this feeling, the memory of him sends me back crawling to where I started from? How can I ever let go when the mere flash of his face, his smile holds me back, breaking me to pieces which I can never put back together? How am I going to be the same person when his existence changed me into someone I never imagined to be?

I must be a masochist in my past life, or even now to torture myself like this, pretending that everything’s okay when seeing both of them together crushes my heart. Wait, it’s actually more than that. My heart being crushed can’t even compare to the real pain I feel when I’m reminded by a love that could never be whole. It’s like I handed him my soul and he just tore it apart, left it in the cold to die. What’s worse is that regardless of everything, I can never be brave enough not to love him.

Illusions keep me alive. They keep the wounds open so I won’t be numb to feel the pain anymore. At least I have some proof that what I felt for him was real, that I succeeded in giving myself to a person without holding back or dwelling on regret.

Yes, my world is drifting apart, but even if I’m bound to fall into nothingness – nothing to wait for, nowhere to go to, and no one to catch me – I still choose to be here. I choose to be where he is, where I can still breathe every chance I get to be with him.

THE BLACK BOOK

Let me tell you something about this book. It’s a compilation of bittersweet notions about my College Freshman Love escapades. The entries are pure drama of the brokenhearted, full of explanations why I exist as a hopeless romantic. Sounds pathetic? Well, all except for those written for one particular person who launched a seemingly unexpected missile in my heart, one who was worth all the brown pages and all the ink in the world to write about. My fairy tale adventure with him was nothing but ordinary.

15th day of November 2008; 11:48 PM

It's been three years since I wrote something in this particular black book. Now I'm writing again. Do you know what this means? It's still isn't over. I may have written the world's most melodramatic letter saying I've given up and would never fall for him anymore but that's all crap now. Because whatever I do ar attempt at, I always end up thinking about him and all the possibilities that could have been. Well, it's not as intense as before, yet no matter how hard I try to get past the burden of having feelings for him, they keep coming back like it's already a part of me. I tried to ignore everything that has to do with him because I know for a fact that whatever these feelings are, they're better left in the dark. He's happy with her. They're happy. Period.

For a while there I thought that the best way to let go was to tell him the truth, to tell him how I feel because only if they're out in the open could I set my heart free; only then could I move forward and on with my life. Believe me, I had all the chances in the world to confess, yet my fears always get the best of me. Scaredy cat. And then what? All I have now are regrets, helpless thoughts wondering if I've just given it a try. Right at this precise moment, I'm battling with my instincts whether to text him or dial his number just to leave a missed call; just so he knows that I remember him, or that I still exist. (Hello?! I'm still here!) Maybe he's studying right now. Maybe he's with her. Maybe he's already asleep. I don't know. Damn, I don't know - just like with everything else in my life right now. I should be practicing with my IELTS sample tests but what am I doing? Writing in this black book seems more of a big deal than preparing for my future. But then again, maybe I miss this. Maybe I miss this version of me who was once sure of herself, of her feelings. Maybe I miss being the girl who was still able to dream, one who was hopeful for the love of a boy who was a perfect match to her soul.

It's been exactly three years, six months, eight days since that fateful day when my heart started beating for him. As far as I'm concerned, it has always been that way and I'm afraid it would stay that way forever.

I AIN'T A HOMEWRECKER

I almost fell too deep in the water. Lucky for me I was able to stop myself from taking that jump just in time. It would have been too late and I would have drowned in the consequences of my bad decisions.

Why couldn't he be honest with me? It would have been easier to hear it from him rather than from other people. I feel so betrayed. I almost fell for the crap he was giving me. I felt that connection you know. I actually thought there was something there, that we could be something more. Well, the curse strikes again and I'm back to zero.

I don't know if it's true, but they say that karma always comes in three's. Is history repeating itself? Or am I just in the wrong place at the wrong time more than I should be? Or worse, am I a magnet for offspringed jerks? The third one in line may just be around the corner. Poor me.

THE ART OF WAITING

Love isn't far away
Sometimes it learns to hide
It doesn't mean you'll look that far
you'll find it if you tried.

It's just around the corner
Don't give up just like that
For no one knows the real truth
It might creep behind your back.

Love do knows a lot of tricks
So we need to be very wise
We'll never know what we're looking for
Is just before our eyes.

Don't push yourself to get him
Some things are not meant to be
Just be surprised when the time comes
You'll meet your destiny.

Expand your vision, play along
While waiting for the one
God only knows the right time
When your prince would come.

VERITAS AND ME

I'm done lying to the world. I'm done lying to myself. For quite some time I had this bad habit of walking away from the truth, giving me no choice but to resort to putting on a fake front just to make it through the day. For some unknown reason, I lie not to deceive, but to protect them from my own darkness, from my imperfections. I don't like to cause other people pain because I know in some cruel fate, it will find its way back to me. Although as hard as I try not to, I always end up hurting them even more. So that's it. I'm done here. I'm done with the pretenses, with all the lies, with all things contradictory to what I really feel. From here on, it's just me and the truth.

Here's one.

I've been with this guy, as terrible as this may seem, out of pity. I knew from the start that it's wrong to be with a person just because you feel sorry for him. Despite the obvious future laid out for us, I still took that chance just because, even though I didn't sense any promise in what we have. For a while there I actually thought that it's possible to fall for someone if you just allowed yourself to do so. I thought it could work out the way I wanted it to, the way I always pictured it to be - like scenes from my favorite romantic comedies. I thought we could get past the shallow expectations of this relationship and for once be something more; yet reason had its own way of revealing itself. Though I tried my best and exhausted all that I had to nurture the feeling, at the end of the day, I still ended up feeling empty. Sad fact: I was never in love with him.

We didn’t belong together. It was painful to learn this way but it’s not that I didn’t want to open my heart to him. It just won’t. It’s like I’m held back by these enormous chains around my heart. I try to break free with as much strength my whole being can muster, but it won’t budge. Clearly, I was a prisoner of my own will.

But when a person's heart is suffering for the wrong reasons and fate knows that she has much love to offer, there comes a moment of clarity that allows her to think of the right thing to do. At that instant, I knew that I had to end it. I had to let him go and not to let the wounds run deeper. It was better to conclude it now, than wait for an irreversible future that would make him hate me forever.

If you're reading this, you know who you are.

I'm sorry that I had to hurt you this way.

You will never be him. No matter how hard I try to fight it, one simple truth remains - it will always be about him and not anyone else.

And just as I've said, it will just be me and the truth...forever.

MY KIND OF DEAD END

They say that life is not about chances…it’s about the choices you make. But what if you don’t have any choice at all? Will you go for the only chance you have?

Like I care.

Love sucks.

POINTLESS HEARTBEAT

Up to this very moment, this is me.




Silent.





Lost.





Empty.





Until someone comes along and changes that.


Can I have my chance now?
I'm done waiting.

DAMN YOU EDWARD CULLEN

I’m not afraid of commitment. But not until someone like Edward Cullen comes along, I won’t be opening my heart. You see, I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, a seeker of my own fairy tale. Yet ever since I read the Twilight series, I never stopped thinking…wondering…questioning if such love exists. If it does, more so in a world we have today, and unless I see it with my own eyes and feel it with my own heart, then that’s the only time I’ll believe in true love again. That’s the time I’ll finally let myself fall.

THE FIRST AND LAST LETTER I’LL EVER WRITE

Finally, the time has come for me to do the hardest thing in the world…to let you go. I guess it all ends here. I’ve come this far. I loved you from that very first day but this love of mine would just take me nowhere. I have to let you find your own happiness even if it’s not with me. I’m writing this down coz I have to get this out of me. It’s been great knowing a person like you and I know I’ll never feel this way about another person again. I don’t know, maybe you were just a phase in my fairy tale adventure; maybe not. Maybe you were the real thing but I’ll never get the chance of finding out, will I? There were times when I thought you felt something for me too. But I was wrong. I must have read the signs differently. I don’t blame you. Maybe we’re not mean for each other that way. I guess this is what we will always have, nothing more. It’s finished at last. I’m letting go now. I lost you once. Boy, did it hurt me like hell. But I’m still here, right? I made it so I guess I’ll be okay. I’m tougher this time. Just make sure that you did the right decision. I really hope you find what you’re looking for. But no matter what happens, there’s no turning back…for you, for me, for both of us. I deserve some pride here, right? I almost gave up my whole heart; luckily I got it back just in time. I guess there will never be another chance, but if one day you realized that I’m the girl for you, well I’m sorry. I’m sorry coz you never gave me the second glance when you could have long before. My heart’s closed now and I don’t even have the key anymore. I’ve thrown it away because of you. But if ever you find it (lucky for you if you can), then it’s your chance to take, not mine.

And so it comes to this. I’m sealing this letter with a vow: I will never feel that way about you again. And if I find myself on the verge of taking that same leap, I’d rather give away my heart to someone else, even to someone not worth it at all so I won’t have to suffer the same fate I had when I loved you.

EUTHANASIA

I’ve come to the point of being in love that it actually hurt to breathe. You know it’s hard putting up with life when it slaps reality right to your face. He’s gone. FOREVER. All I have to do is let go. But it’s not easy, it has never been easy. I think the easier part comes in curling up under the covers and crying myself to sleep every night. And the not so easy part? Still hoping despite the pain…wishing you hadn’t let go in the first place.

THE HALF OF ME

Do soulmates exist? It's a rather intriguing thought but if you think about it, you know deep down, you want to believe they're real. Because for all it's worth, the world may fall apart but it's okay when you know you have someone with you when it happens, someone who will hold your hand and never let go, someone who will keep your heart safe and your soul intact. Because nothing really matters as long as you have each other. And it makes you feel you belong. It makes you complete. It makes you whole.

SWEET DEFEAT

Do you know that feeling, like your heart’s ripped out from your chest and crushed? Did you ever feel that? Coz I did, a million times before and still in the running too. But I’ve grown accustomed to it that it has suddenly become part of my life. Sad, it really is. It always takes me to darkness, but that’s life. Somehow, you should pick up all the pieces of what’s left of you, try as hard as you can to make it whole again. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to see the light again.

STUPID ME

I’m sorry that I have to go through this feeling,
making me vulnerable and weak whenever I feel your presence.

I’m sorry that I have to see you everyday,
and look at the boy I’ve grown to care for.

I’m sorry that I have to wake up every morning,
reminiscing the dreams I had about you.

I’m sorry that we ever had to be friends,

For I never knew that I’d fall.

One chance…just one chance is all I’m asking. But then again, the world will just keep on turning and make me go back to where I started. In the end, I will still be sorry…plain and simple, and I only have myself to blame.

ULTIMATUM

It’s really hard to force yourself to fall for someone when the truth is, your heart belongs to someone else you didn’t intend to fall for in the first place.

How can I try to make it work with him
when all my days are filled with only thoughts of you?

How can I find the beauty in his love
when all I long for is yours?

How can I entrust my heart to him
when you already had it long before?

How can I find the courage to let you know?
How can I…? How can I…?

TEARS OF A BURDENED HEART

I wish I could have a Nathan Scott in my life. Someone to come home to…someone who could really make me feel like I belong…someone worth fighting for. But in this lifetime, there’s room for only one Nathan Scott right? So that makes Haley the luckiest girl in the world. And me? Just a girl stuck in her world of fantasies. =(

I’M IN LOVE WITH A PUNK ROCKER

There’s this boy. I fell in love with him in the silence of my heart. Quietly, I’m fighting the battle inside me. I know he’ll never look at me in that way, not in a million years. I’m glad we’re friends but that’s just it. Somehow, there’s this sort of barrier between us, like we can never get to come across. It’s heartbreaking, like I’m struggling to hold on for dear life just to make it through the day. I wish I could tell him how I really feel. =’(