Sometimes even in the silence of it all, I find myself crying to sleep at night. Empty dreams accompany me and without knowing it, a hole so deep is created in my chest. Tears have become my faithful friends for without them, my pain would have consumed me. It’s all too depressing to bear, the fact that I’m always drawn to a place where I vowed not to go in the first place. Because even if life offers me something more, something that I deserve better than what I yearn to have, still, I find myself running towards the path of emptiness. I guess I’m better at this than anything else – the habit of tormenting myself with thoughts of things that could never be.
How else am I going to move forward when every single time I try to break free from this feeling, the memory of him sends me back crawling to where I started from? How can I ever let go when the mere flash of his face, his smile holds me back, breaking me to pieces which I can never put back together? How am I going to be the same person when his existence changed me into someone I never imagined to be?
I must be a masochist in my past life, or even now to torture myself like this, pretending that everything’s okay when seeing both of them together crushes my heart. Wait, it’s actually more than that. My heart being crushed can’t even compare to the real pain I feel when I’m reminded by a love that could never be whole. It’s like I handed him my soul and he just tore it apart, left it in the cold to die. What’s worse is that regardless of everything, I can never be brave enough not to love him.
Illusions keep me alive. They keep the wounds open so I won’t be numb to feel the pain anymore. At least I have some proof that what I felt for him was real, that I succeeded in giving myself to a person without holding back or dwelling on regret.
Yes, my world is drifting apart, but even if I’m bound to fall into nothingness – nothing to wait for, nowhere to go to, and no one to catch me – I still choose to be here. I choose to be where he is, where I can still breathe every chance I get to be with him.
How else am I going to move forward when every single time I try to break free from this feeling, the memory of him sends me back crawling to where I started from? How can I ever let go when the mere flash of his face, his smile holds me back, breaking me to pieces which I can never put back together? How am I going to be the same person when his existence changed me into someone I never imagined to be?
I must be a masochist in my past life, or even now to torture myself like this, pretending that everything’s okay when seeing both of them together crushes my heart. Wait, it’s actually more than that. My heart being crushed can’t even compare to the real pain I feel when I’m reminded by a love that could never be whole. It’s like I handed him my soul and he just tore it apart, left it in the cold to die. What’s worse is that regardless of everything, I can never be brave enough not to love him.
Illusions keep me alive. They keep the wounds open so I won’t be numb to feel the pain anymore. At least I have some proof that what I felt for him was real, that I succeeded in giving myself to a person without holding back or dwelling on regret.
Yes, my world is drifting apart, but even if I’m bound to fall into nothingness – nothing to wait for, nowhere to go to, and no one to catch me – I still choose to be here. I choose to be where he is, where I can still breathe every chance I get to be with him.
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