VERITAS AND ME

I'm done lying to the world. I'm done lying to myself. For quite some time I had this bad habit of walking away from the truth, giving me no choice but to resort to putting on a fake front just to make it through the day. For some unknown reason, I lie not to deceive, but to protect them from my own darkness, from my imperfections. I don't like to cause other people pain because I know in some cruel fate, it will find its way back to me. Although as hard as I try not to, I always end up hurting them even more. So that's it. I'm done here. I'm done with the pretenses, with all the lies, with all things contradictory to what I really feel. From here on, it's just me and the truth.

Here's one.

I've been with this guy, as terrible as this may seem, out of pity. I knew from the start that it's wrong to be with a person just because you feel sorry for him. Despite the obvious future laid out for us, I still took that chance just because, even though I didn't sense any promise in what we have. For a while there I actually thought that it's possible to fall for someone if you just allowed yourself to do so. I thought it could work out the way I wanted it to, the way I always pictured it to be - like scenes from my favorite romantic comedies. I thought we could get past the shallow expectations of this relationship and for once be something more; yet reason had its own way of revealing itself. Though I tried my best and exhausted all that I had to nurture the feeling, at the end of the day, I still ended up feeling empty. Sad fact: I was never in love with him.

We didn’t belong together. It was painful to learn this way but it’s not that I didn’t want to open my heart to him. It just won’t. It’s like I’m held back by these enormous chains around my heart. I try to break free with as much strength my whole being can muster, but it won’t budge. Clearly, I was a prisoner of my own will.

But when a person's heart is suffering for the wrong reasons and fate knows that she has much love to offer, there comes a moment of clarity that allows her to think of the right thing to do. At that instant, I knew that I had to end it. I had to let him go and not to let the wounds run deeper. It was better to conclude it now, than wait for an irreversible future that would make him hate me forever.

If you're reading this, you know who you are.

I'm sorry that I had to hurt you this way.

You will never be him. No matter how hard I try to fight it, one simple truth remains - it will always be about him and not anyone else.

And just as I've said, it will just be me and the truth...forever.