A LETTER FROM ME...TO ME

I know you’re hurting right now. It’s been years and I can feel that you’re in deep pain, yet, you’re still too stubborn to turn your back on it. It’s like air has been knocked out from your lungs but you keep struggling to breathe. Your heart is too heavy to bear, yet you choose to be in this state. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you putting up with all these when you already know what the future holds? You know in your heart that he belongs with someone else and you…you deserve to be with a person who will make you feel like you’re worth everything, someone who will protect your heart and never turn away from you even if you’re the lowest version of yourself.

Why settle for someone who doesn’t see you in that light? Why are you holding back when you have so much to give? Why can’t you just let go and open your heart to love again?

I know there’s this guy. You’ve known him for quite some time. He was a good friend to you and cares for you a lot. Why don’t you give him a chance? Maybe you’ll be surprised. Just go with it. For once, take that leap. Try something new, at least.

Your heart’s been through enough. Let it heal for a while…then let it beat again.

THREE QUESTIONS

When do you know when enough is enough? Is it when you feel it in your heart that there’s no chance at all? Or when you see with your own eyes that things remain as they are? Or when the love of your life ultimately closed his heart? Or is it when something inside of you dies?

When?
Because I had my share of all these moments and yet, I accept.

So how do I stop? How do I end this sort of longing because my heart feels like it’s going to explode any minute. Is it by telling myself that there’s no hope to cling to? Or by exposing myself to reality and let it slap my face? Or by ignoring the pain so that I’ll stay numb till I can’t feel anything anymore? Or by ending it altogether?

How?
Because I’m just a girl, who, like everyone else is hurting, and yet I endure.

Then why am I still doing this? Is it because I’m out of my wits and just trying any means to challenge myself? Or because I see no future with the conditions that are contradictory to what I want? Or because my world wouldn’t be breathing without him in it? Or is it because I’m just plain stupid, crazy, senseless, idiotic, insane (and the list goes on) to fall so deep despite the consequences?

Why?
Because I can’t help who I choose to love, and yet I bear it all.

MY HEART'S INFINITE PLAYLIST

Track 01: Crazy For You by Spongecola
I was riding a cab home that night with my mom. The radio was on and I even commented on the cheesy tunes that were playing. Then out of the blue, you texted and I felt some kind of fuzzy flicker down my spine. At that instant, I knew I was falling in love with you. This was the song playing at that exact moment. Cheesy, right? Nah, only my feelings are.

Track 02: Stolen by Dashboard Confessional
When I say you’ve stolen my heart, I mean that you practically took it away and never gave it back. I’m left without one because it’s with you. Now I’ll never be able to feel this way about another person again.

Track 03: Gitara by Parokya ni Edgar
You’re my own personal Jimi Hendrix. I’m really looking forward to that moment where you’ll play for me and I’ll be there in the audience, looking in your eyes and telling the world how proud I am. You’re destined for greatness, I know it in my heart.

Track 04: Give Until There’s Nothing Left by Relient K
Not until my heart stops beating for you, this will the anthem of my soul. Take everything I have, it’s no use when it’s not for you.

Track 05: My Heart by Paramore
My heart beats, beats for only you. My heart is yours. Can I say more?

Track 06: Greatest Story Ever Told by Oliver James
The first time I heard and watched this song on “What A Girl Wants” with Oliver performing it for Amanda, I told myself that someday, my guy’s going to sing this for me too. I’m hoping, you’ll be that guy.

Track 07: I Wanna Hold Your Hand by The Beatles
I’ve read in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist that this song nailed it, that every successful love song in history can be traced back to this particular song. Indeed, every successful love story has those unbearably exciting moments of hand-holding. And that’s I’ve always dreamed of doing with you.

Track 08: Broken Sonnet by Hale
There’s something about this song, there’s a feel to it that got me so attached. It’s overpowering and soul-consuming, kinda like your effect on me.

Track 09: Thunder by Boys and Girls
I’ve always liked the rain. It somehow washes all the negativity in the world – fears, doubts, hatred, sadness. It’s a cleansing agent and brings with it fresh beginnings and the chance to start anew. I can be your rain, if you allow me to. I can be your thunder or lightning too for all I care. Damn, I can be anything you want.

Track 10: Awake by Secondhand Serenade
If you only open your eyes wide, you’ll see that I’m here – always has, always been and I’m not going anywhere. I do hope you wake up someday and realize that I’m the girl for you.

OF MUSIC AND INVISIBILITY

He had always been good with guitars. It’s a natural talent that got me caught up in his bittersweet world. Whenever I see him play, it’s like my whole universe melts away and all I could see is him. He’s like a musical god projecting a soul full of passion and love. Clearly, he has entranced me so deeply that I would always get all flushed up just by looking at him. There’s something in his eyes when he strums – some kind of intensity, some kind of certainty that even if the world crumbles around him, his music will be the only thing that matters. Knowing that simple fact definitely tugged my heartstrings.

I used to ask him to play for me every time I get the chance to see him holding it. I also asked for guitar lessons but that didn’t turn out to be feasible. You see, we were always busy with school or activities so we didn’t get around much on spending wise time learning how to play. For a little consolation, I tried learning the skill on my own. It didn’t look that hard to do. I mean, it wouldn’t have been that difficult considering I’m from a musical family. My aunts, uncles and cousins all knew how to play and I thought, so could I. Turned out to be time consuming, as well as it required effort and patience. I dropped the hobby in a heartbeat. I guess I could find other means to connect with him.

Then there’s his love for music. I discovered we were into the same genre and I couldn’t have been happier. I like the fact that we had something in common, something to talk about, something to bring us closer. Then it went from mundane discussions to musical debates to exchanging MP3s. It even went as far as sitting close and listening on my player while sharing earphones. I was so into the moment that I can’t help feeling giddy and light and just so happy.

I never expected for this to happen but we eventually became great friends. We got real close and even confided in each other. He always looked out for me like he was protective or something. He actually cared, and I thought, this wasn’t half as bad. I was comfortable with this set-up and I could go on like this forever even if this was the only way I could keep him.

I got caught up in this imaginary trance that I made myself believe that he’s falling for me too. It would just be a matter of time and he’ll realize that I’m the one. Everything seemed to work out perfectly…

Then I died. Not me literally, but something in me.

I realized it wasn’t possible. He’s in love with someone else, and even if I tried every maneuver I could get my hands on to make him notice me, it wouldn’t just be enough. He has already seen me, has taken a peek into my soul and knew what a great girl I am, and yet he never saw past that. To his eyes, I will just be…me.

CUSHION MY FALL

Sometimes even in the silence of it all, I find myself crying to sleep at night. Empty dreams accompany me and without knowing it, a hole so deep is created in my chest. Tears have become my faithful friends for without them, my pain would have consumed me. It’s all too depressing to bear, the fact that I’m always drawn to a place where I vowed not to go in the first place. Because even if life offers me something more, something that I deserve better than what I yearn to have, still, I find myself running towards the path of emptiness. I guess I’m better at this than anything else – the habit of tormenting myself with thoughts of things that could never be.

How else am I going to move forward when every single time I try to break free from this feeling, the memory of him sends me back crawling to where I started from? How can I ever let go when the mere flash of his face, his smile holds me back, breaking me to pieces which I can never put back together? How am I going to be the same person when his existence changed me into someone I never imagined to be?

I must be a masochist in my past life, or even now to torture myself like this, pretending that everything’s okay when seeing both of them together crushes my heart. Wait, it’s actually more than that. My heart being crushed can’t even compare to the real pain I feel when I’m reminded by a love that could never be whole. It’s like I handed him my soul and he just tore it apart, left it in the cold to die. What’s worse is that regardless of everything, I can never be brave enough not to love him.

Illusions keep me alive. They keep the wounds open so I won’t be numb to feel the pain anymore. At least I have some proof that what I felt for him was real, that I succeeded in giving myself to a person without holding back or dwelling on regret.

Yes, my world is drifting apart, but even if I’m bound to fall into nothingness – nothing to wait for, nowhere to go to, and no one to catch me – I still choose to be here. I choose to be where he is, where I can still breathe every chance I get to be with him.